so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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