I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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