Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
