I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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