The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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