Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
