my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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