So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
