My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
