i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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