I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
