the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
