we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
