Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
