I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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