The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
false alarm. still invincible.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
