I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
