Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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