Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
