so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he was CRYING into my vagina
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
