Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
