after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
