Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
