walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
