You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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