Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
