Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i drank out of a bidet.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
