I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
