Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
