oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
