best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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