I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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