Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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