i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
