Duck Duck Cougar?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
