while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
