i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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