One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
