That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
