So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
