if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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