I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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