I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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