The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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