I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
