Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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