she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
