No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
