Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
