i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
