Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
