good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
