I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
