So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
